A beautiful quote that fills my heart with comfort and joy...
"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is
doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Update
I've been slacking on posts but not much has happened over the past month or so since we lost Dash. We have really been working on our family and spending quality time together.
Mothers day weekend was bittersweet, it is so wonderful to realize how much Addison has grown in the past year but at the same time our loss was so fresh that it was hard to have a completely celebratory day. My mom came down for the weekend and it was really nice to see her and have some fun for a change! My mom and her husband arrived the Friday of mothers day weekend and came to visit our house that night. Addison was a little cautious at first but after a few minutes she warmed right up to my mom and pretty much thought she was the greatest playmate ever! They colored, played peekaboo and were just plain squirrly, it was so cute to see :)
Saturday we visited them at their hotel in Scottsdale for some much needed relaxation. Daddy and Addison went swimming with MiMi and Addison's love of water was born! She loved floating with the noodles and by the end of our time she was jumping off the side of the pool into the water! My little dare devil! After the pool we went to my favorite little restaurant called "The Grape Vine." We used to go to Arizona as a family every year since I can remember to visit my grandparents. We would designate one day just to go to Old Town. Each of us kids got $20 to buy something fun at one of the shops and it was always the highlight of the trip. The Grape Vine was the restaurant that without fail we always had lunch at. I love that it is still around and still serving the worlds greatest lavosh! YUM! After lunch it was nap time for all and then off to the D-Backs game! We ended up scoring great box seats and Addison sat and cheered through ALL 9 INNINGS! She is such a little baseball fan! Even when we are at home, she likes to sit and watch the D-Backs play on tv...she is SO my kid :) We all wore our D-Backs jerseys like true fans and had such a fun time, even though they lost horribly!
Mothers day we went to brunch at Saddle Ranch in Scottsdale and it was fabulous! We enjoyed mimosas and I ordered this divine french toast which was on the house for mamas! What a great weekend!
Lately Addison has had her little friend Bryar coming over a few times a week to play while her mommy works. These girls are two peas in a pod and have a BLAST together. I just crack up even looking that them, they are so stinkin cute! We love you Miss Bryar, thank you for being our friend!
Mothers day weekend was bittersweet, it is so wonderful to realize how much Addison has grown in the past year but at the same time our loss was so fresh that it was hard to have a completely celebratory day. My mom came down for the weekend and it was really nice to see her and have some fun for a change! My mom and her husband arrived the Friday of mothers day weekend and came to visit our house that night. Addison was a little cautious at first but after a few minutes she warmed right up to my mom and pretty much thought she was the greatest playmate ever! They colored, played peekaboo and were just plain squirrly, it was so cute to see :)
Saturday we visited them at their hotel in Scottsdale for some much needed relaxation. Daddy and Addison went swimming with MiMi and Addison's love of water was born! She loved floating with the noodles and by the end of our time she was jumping off the side of the pool into the water! My little dare devil! After the pool we went to my favorite little restaurant called "The Grape Vine." We used to go to Arizona as a family every year since I can remember to visit my grandparents. We would designate one day just to go to Old Town. Each of us kids got $20 to buy something fun at one of the shops and it was always the highlight of the trip. The Grape Vine was the restaurant that without fail we always had lunch at. I love that it is still around and still serving the worlds greatest lavosh! YUM! After lunch it was nap time for all and then off to the D-Backs game! We ended up scoring great box seats and Addison sat and cheered through ALL 9 INNINGS! She is such a little baseball fan! Even when we are at home, she likes to sit and watch the D-Backs play on tv...she is SO my kid :) We all wore our D-Backs jerseys like true fans and had such a fun time, even though they lost horribly!
Mothers day we went to brunch at Saddle Ranch in Scottsdale and it was fabulous! We enjoyed mimosas and I ordered this divine french toast which was on the house for mamas! What a great weekend!
Lately Addison has had her little friend Bryar coming over a few times a week to play while her mommy works. These girls are two peas in a pod and have a BLAST together. I just crack up even looking that them, they are so stinkin cute! We love you Miss Bryar, thank you for being our friend!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Busiest Day in Heaven
***Happy Mothers day to all my mommy friends with angels here on earth and angels up in heaven!***
"The Busiest Day in Heaven"
It's the busiest day in Heaven
I'm planning a big surprise
To let you know I love you
And that no one ever dies.
Even though you're down below
And I am up above,
I'm sending you these wishes
And all my angel love.
It's really quite exciting
To plan this big event,
For lots of gifts will come your way,
And all are heaven sent.
First, I'll take a bubble bath-My splashes might cause some rain,
But knowing all the fun I'm having,
Will help to ease your pain.
Next, I'll get some pictures
In my halo and my gown,
So when you get to Heaven,
You can show them all around.
I have color crayons in Heaven,
And I will draw some star so bright
And place them in the sky today
For you to see tonight.
Then, Jesus will have story time,
And I will sit upon his lap.
He'll tell me all about you
Just before I nap.
I'll wake up full of energy
And play a game or two,
Before I finish sending
All my love to you.
After snack I'll write a song
For all the birds to sing,
And know I've made you happy
With all the joy it brings.
At nighttime I'll be tired,
But I'll still hold you tight.
My arms will wrap around you
And keep you through the night.
And when you finally slumber,I will kneel to pray,
Asking God to bless you
On this special Mother's Day.
Love,
Your Little Angel
"The Busiest Day in Heaven"
It's the busiest day in Heaven
I'm planning a big surprise
To let you know I love you
And that no one ever dies.
Even though you're down below
And I am up above,
I'm sending you these wishes
And all my angel love.
It's really quite exciting
To plan this big event,
For lots of gifts will come your way,
And all are heaven sent.
First, I'll take a bubble bath-My splashes might cause some rain,
But knowing all the fun I'm having,
Will help to ease your pain.
Next, I'll get some pictures
In my halo and my gown,
So when you get to Heaven,
You can show them all around.
I have color crayons in Heaven,
And I will draw some star so bright
And place them in the sky today
For you to see tonight.
Then, Jesus will have story time,
And I will sit upon his lap.
He'll tell me all about you
Just before I nap.
I'll wake up full of energy
And play a game or two,
Before I finish sending
All my love to you.
After snack I'll write a song
For all the birds to sing,
And know I've made you happy
With all the joy it brings.
At nighttime I'll be tired,
But I'll still hold you tight.
My arms will wrap around you
And keep you through the night.
And when you finally slumber,I will kneel to pray,
Asking God to bless you
On this special Mother's Day.
Love,
Your Little Angel
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dash
I want to take the time to thank you all for your overwhelming support and empathy during this horrible time for our family. We would like to share the story of Dash's birth with our close friends and family who follow our blog.This is kind of a detailed story just to warn you all but Dash was our son and the story of his birth deserves to be shared just like any other birth story...
As many of you know we went on a family trip to Seattle Wed 4/14. Just that Sunday we found out we were having a boy and Tuesday 4/13 I had a prenatal appointment and heartbeat was strong and I was healthy and measuring on schedule. I brought my fetal heart monitor along with us on the trip, I liked to listen to little one about once a week just to ease my nerves. Friday 4/16 I couldn't find his heartbeat, I was a little worried but I know they can "hide" and make it difficult to hear sometimes (even though I had always found the heartbeat right away). I tried to find his heartbeat Sat, Sun and Mon and still couldn't. We got back to Arizona Monday afternoon and I made an appointment first thing Tuesday morning with my doctor to make sure things were ok.
Tuesday Alex, Addison and I went into the dr's. 2 nurses tried to find the heartbeat but couldn't, they were naming off all kinds of reasons they may have not been able to find it and they got me in right away for an ultrasound "just to check." As soon as the ultrasound tech started I knew he was gone. There was no beautiful heart beating, he wasnt the active little dude we had seen a week before on the 3-D ultrasound, he was still. He was there and he was perfect but his heart had stopped beating. The dr came in to confirm that he had died and from there we talked about our options. I had had no symptoms and the dr told me it could be a few weeks before my body recognized the baby being gone and went into labor so we chose the induction and scheduled it for Wednesday 4/21.
My dad flew down Tuesday night and went with us to the hospital Wed morning. I had to be admitted into labor and delivery which was one of the hardest parts. My room was all set up for a beautiful, healthy baby to arrive but unfortunately we knew we wouldn't have that. They started me on a med to hopefully dilate and soften the cervix and start contractions. I think I cried pretty much all day, we met with preachers, social workers and friends and family came to see us. I really didn't want to see anyone but it was nice for Alex to have support. After 3 rounds of the cervical gel, it was 9pm and there was no progress. I hadn't slept in a few days so they started me on a different med that I could take orally and hopefully get some sleep. By morning still nothing had changed, it was absolute torture. I was started on a different stronger cervical pill which started to cause some noticeable changes by 11am 4/22. I still hadn't progressed much by 1pm so they gave me another round of it and as the symptoms started getting worse I got pain meds every hour which made me really sleepy so I dont remember the last few hours very well. I just remember feeling a lot of pressure. My water broke around 3 and at about 6pm the pressure was so bad that we called the dr in and it was time.
I had no idea what to expect but I think it was even worse than what I thought. I pushed a few times and Dash was born at 6:07pm. The nurse wrapped up baby Dash and gave him to us to hold and love. We spent 5 hours with him, praying, singing songs, crying, admiring how perfect he was. He was blessed by a friend of ours who is ordained and my dad was able to hold him, his grandson.
Dash had long beautiful fingers and tiny fingernails, toes, eyebrows, it was absolutely amazing, he really just looked like a small sleeping baby. Our amazing nurse Judy treated Dash with dignity and care and I will be forever grateful to her for that. She took him to the nursery to be weighed, measured and get his little footprints and handprints done. He weighed 2.9oz, 7" long. Judy brought him back in a little outfit and warm blanket and we held him some more. Finally around midnight we had the hospital call the funeral home to pick him up.
We picked up his cremains yesterday and although it was hard, I couldn't help feeling that as we left with them, our family was whole again although I know his spirit is with God in heaven. I have done so much spiritual examination of my life and I read a wonderful book given to us by one of the ministers entitiled "Safe in the arms of God." It is a book about miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss and answered so many of the questions I had like "Is my baby in heaven?" "Did my own sin somehow make God decide to take my child?" and "Will I ever see my baby again?" I am eternally grateful to Howard for sharing this book with our family. I feel like the most horrible chapter of this can come to a close now and we can think about the beautiful times we had with him, his ultrasounds, listening to his heartbeat and feeling him move in my belly.
I have been also looking into ways to memoralize Dash in a positive way and have found some great works that people who have also lost babies are doing for others. I am currently brainstorming ways to help others who have lost their little ones and look forward to turning my grief into something productive. Here is just one project that I received from a wonderful woman who lost her twin babies a few hours after birth. She truly has a giving heart!
We love you forever baby Dash (or Dashie as his big sis Addison calls him) You will live on in our hearts and the hearts of those who we love!
As many of you know we went on a family trip to Seattle Wed 4/14. Just that Sunday we found out we were having a boy and Tuesday 4/13 I had a prenatal appointment and heartbeat was strong and I was healthy and measuring on schedule. I brought my fetal heart monitor along with us on the trip, I liked to listen to little one about once a week just to ease my nerves. Friday 4/16 I couldn't find his heartbeat, I was a little worried but I know they can "hide" and make it difficult to hear sometimes (even though I had always found the heartbeat right away). I tried to find his heartbeat Sat, Sun and Mon and still couldn't. We got back to Arizona Monday afternoon and I made an appointment first thing Tuesday morning with my doctor to make sure things were ok.
Tuesday Alex, Addison and I went into the dr's. 2 nurses tried to find the heartbeat but couldn't, they were naming off all kinds of reasons they may have not been able to find it and they got me in right away for an ultrasound "just to check." As soon as the ultrasound tech started I knew he was gone. There was no beautiful heart beating, he wasnt the active little dude we had seen a week before on the 3-D ultrasound, he was still. He was there and he was perfect but his heart had stopped beating. The dr came in to confirm that he had died and from there we talked about our options. I had had no symptoms and the dr told me it could be a few weeks before my body recognized the baby being gone and went into labor so we chose the induction and scheduled it for Wednesday 4/21.
My dad flew down Tuesday night and went with us to the hospital Wed morning. I had to be admitted into labor and delivery which was one of the hardest parts. My room was all set up for a beautiful, healthy baby to arrive but unfortunately we knew we wouldn't have that. They started me on a med to hopefully dilate and soften the cervix and start contractions. I think I cried pretty much all day, we met with preachers, social workers and friends and family came to see us. I really didn't want to see anyone but it was nice for Alex to have support. After 3 rounds of the cervical gel, it was 9pm and there was no progress. I hadn't slept in a few days so they started me on a different med that I could take orally and hopefully get some sleep. By morning still nothing had changed, it was absolute torture. I was started on a different stronger cervical pill which started to cause some noticeable changes by 11am 4/22. I still hadn't progressed much by 1pm so they gave me another round of it and as the symptoms started getting worse I got pain meds every hour which made me really sleepy so I dont remember the last few hours very well. I just remember feeling a lot of pressure. My water broke around 3 and at about 6pm the pressure was so bad that we called the dr in and it was time.
I had no idea what to expect but I think it was even worse than what I thought. I pushed a few times and Dash was born at 6:07pm. The nurse wrapped up baby Dash and gave him to us to hold and love. We spent 5 hours with him, praying, singing songs, crying, admiring how perfect he was. He was blessed by a friend of ours who is ordained and my dad was able to hold him, his grandson.
Dash had long beautiful fingers and tiny fingernails, toes, eyebrows, it was absolutely amazing, he really just looked like a small sleeping baby. Our amazing nurse Judy treated Dash with dignity and care and I will be forever grateful to her for that. She took him to the nursery to be weighed, measured and get his little footprints and handprints done. He weighed 2.9oz, 7" long. Judy brought him back in a little outfit and warm blanket and we held him some more. Finally around midnight we had the hospital call the funeral home to pick him up.
We picked up his cremains yesterday and although it was hard, I couldn't help feeling that as we left with them, our family was whole again although I know his spirit is with God in heaven. I have done so much spiritual examination of my life and I read a wonderful book given to us by one of the ministers entitiled "Safe in the arms of God." It is a book about miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss and answered so many of the questions I had like "Is my baby in heaven?" "Did my own sin somehow make God decide to take my child?" and "Will I ever see my baby again?" I am eternally grateful to Howard for sharing this book with our family. I feel like the most horrible chapter of this can come to a close now and we can think about the beautiful times we had with him, his ultrasounds, listening to his heartbeat and feeling him move in my belly.
I have been also looking into ways to memoralize Dash in a positive way and have found some great works that people who have also lost babies are doing for others. I am currently brainstorming ways to help others who have lost their little ones and look forward to turning my grief into something productive. Here is just one project that I received from a wonderful woman who lost her twin babies a few hours after birth. She truly has a giving heart!
We love you forever baby Dash (or Dashie as his big sis Addison calls him) You will live on in our hearts and the hearts of those who we love!
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